February 2009


Drunk as Drunk

Drunk as drunk on turpentine
From your open kisses,
Your wet body wedged
Between my wet body and the strake
Of our boat that is made of flowers,
Feasted, we guide it – our fingers
Like tallows adorned with yellow metal -
Over the sky’s hot rim,
The day’s last breath in our sails.

Pinned by the sun between solstice
And equinox, drowsy and tangled together
We drifted for months and woke
With the bitter taste of land on our lips,
Eyelids all sticky, and we longed for lime
And the sound of a rope
Lowering a bucket down its well. Then,
We came by night to the Fortunate Isles,
And lay like fish
Under the net of our kisses.

– Pablo Neruda

If it hadn’t been for the very loud storm early this morning, I might have made it to 12 hours of sleep.  As it was I hit somewhere close to 10.  That’s like two night’s sleep in one for me!

I did dream about leaving all the furniture on the lawn and not being able to bring it in from the rain by myself.  I dreamt about Pun and Sir Pun, going to visit Pun’s fantastically wealthy (and fictional) great grandfather is his massive Biltmore-like estate.  I dreamt of all my girlfriends gathering for some event.  I dreamt of not being to find matching shoes.  I dreamt long, elaborate tales of which I am now only holding on to tiny, tiny pieces of.

Now I will drink more coffee and go and start working on an early spring dress.  In hopes that the simple act of sewing will help calm and recharge me.  Then I will walk with a friend, eat lunch, and edit some work until it is time to go to work again.  I will breathe deeply and not to stress myself about the other things I could be doing, instead only focusing on the please of finishing the few things I am doing.

Ma meilleure fille, Ladybug, apparently HATES the nickname Ladybug.  So from here on out she shall be known as Libelle.  Perhaps one day, if I am in special need of serious procrastinating, I will go change it in all the past posts.

I got a new mattress today.  It is, possibly, like sleeping on clouds.  I am going to go try it out for ten or twelve hours.  I have already been awake for far too long on far too little sleep.   Can’t make up missed sleep?  Well, I am going to try, because right now I think I am down about 51 hours for the month.  I can’t make it up all at once, but I’m gonna try and put a dent in it.

I just saw my first Summer Tanager of the season.  Spring spring spring spring spring spring. There is also a clutch of brave daffodils in my side yard and buds on the dogwood.  Yet I think, for some reason, that birds know some secret of the impending season that flowers don’t.

In honor of that, I give you a poem:

Her Anxiety

Earth in beauty dressed
Awaits returning spring.
All true love must die,
Alter at the best
Into some lesser thing.
Prove that I lie.

Such body lovers have,
Such exacting breath,
That they touch or sigh.
Every touch they give,
Love is nearer death.
Prove that I lie.

–William Butler Yeats

Also in honor of spring, new header pic yanked off Flickr, pic by lumierefl.

Also how charming is this little guy?

I can’t believe it snowed again in Seattle.  I mean Feb/March snow isn’t that unusual but combined with the horrible Dec/Jan they had?  Seriously, Seattle, what have you done to piss off the weather gods?  I guess I shouldn’t taunt the weather gods though, as it is finally tolerable in Nashville and good goddamn would I like it to stay that way.

Today has been very very very very long already and it isn’t even lunch time yet.  Not only has it already been long, but I’m just having my coffee now.  I’ve been shockingly productive, despite being under caffeinated, still there is never enough time to get everything I have in my head done.   Today’s to-do list has already been crunched and broken, but I’ve got a huge head start on tomorrow’s list, so that’s something.  I’m nothing if not flexible. Which means, I guess sometimes I am nothing and sometimes  I am everything.

I am all signed up for PodCampNashville.  Like minded music and blogging folks might want to go check it out.  I’m definitely interested in some of the speaker sessions, but mostly I’m just fucking giddy that organizing like this going on in Nashville.

The Plaid Dress

Strong sun, that bleach
The curtains of my room, can you not render
Colourless this dress I wear?—
This violent plaid
Of purple angers and red shames; the yellow stripe
Of thin but valid treacheries; the flashy green of kind deeds done
Through indolence high judgments given here in haste;
The recurring checker of the serious breach of taste?

No more uncoloured than unmade,
I fear, can be this garment that I may not doff;
Confession does not strip it off,
To send me homeward eased and bare;

All through the formal, unoffending evening, under the clean
Bright hair,
Lining the subtle gown…it is not seen,
But it is there.

- Edna St. Vincent Millay

So I’m sitting here, completely unmotivated. I was just reading another blog and started thinking of blogging as motivation.  I’ve talked about that here before but my follow through has been pretty lax. Right now I need to order myself.  Lately it seems like I spend a lot time worrying about how I am going to order my thoughts and mentally (but not practically planning things). I can’t seem to rally become my own stern task master.  And it isn’t a question of lack of things to or laziness.  I’m simply overwhelmed.  I know I need to sit down and list my main projects, separate them out, list the tasks for each one and prioritize those.  Theoretically I can manage this is a couple hours. And yet, in my head it is just a swirling, violently colorful, very intimidating mass of WORK.  I’m not scared of work.  Just at this point I fear it might crush, or entirely engulf, me.  So instead I’m grabbing at the tasks I can see around the edges of this mass, and doing them, piecemeal, and not in an entirely satisfying way.  And I am certainly doing nothing to organize the chaos.

Wow, I set down thinking if started writing about this that I’d somehow instantly find direction.  Instead I’m more anxious than I was before.  Arg.  Maybe I’ll just stop and go start making lists.  Or maybe I’ll listen to the music Rhi sent me.  Perhaps there is inspiration to be found there.

Things I learned this weekend:

1. Don’t drink white wine, then beer, then red wine.  Ladybug asked if I was intentionally trying every alcohol combination for research purposes to see which were the worst.  The answer is no, but I can see why she’d wonder.  So maybe I will just pretend Friday night was all in the interest of science.

2. I love babies!  They should have like a baby zoo where you can just go play with them until you get bored and then give them back to their parents.

3. Other people’s suffering is much more horrible than my own.  I can be stoic and uncomplaining to very large extent when it comes to my own stuff.  As soon as someone I love is hurting, I fall completely apart.

4. February kind of sucks like January.  Bring on March!!

What I may want most in the world right now is a decent night’s sleep.  My criteria for this are: waking up less than 3 times in a night, sleeping for a total of more than 6 hours, having only good or neutral dreams.

I have been sleeping in short, unsatisfying bursts, plagued by really horrible, stressful dreams. It’s a hideously self perpetuating cycle too.  I sleep less, I drink more coffee, more coffee means less quality sleep.  I have bad dreams and wake up unhappy, thus I can’t concentrate and I do poorer quality work, which causes more stress, which causes more dreams.

Okay, now that I have been as pathetic as possible, if I ask for help, will you help me?  Heh.  Actually the two things really aren’t related, but I do need a little help.

If anyone has a few minutes, here and there, over the next week or so, I could really use some feedback on the new music website I am putting together and some of it’s features.  Mostly this just means clicking around a little a reporting back to me.  It might also mean contributing opinions about some aspects of the site.  If you can help, please email me or reply here, and I’ll be in touch.

Now I will go drink a gallon more coffee, and try and get some work done.

I had to scrape ice off my car this morning.  Brrrrrr!  My fingers still aren’t warm.  But it doesn’t matter.  You know why?  Because the little shrubs at the base of the wall of trees in my side yard have tiny green leaves on them.  Tiny.  Green.  Leaves.  That means spring.  Yes, oh, yes it does.

Song for today: Monday Morning Makeup – The New Tragedies (click to download or go buy it)

Now I need more coffee.  Lots to be done and none of it will be if I’m just lazing about all under caffeinated.

I am once again sitting around waiting for the cable guy to come fix some broken shit.  I woke up this morning, early, before my alarm.  All full of half-jumbled, woozy morning plans to rush off and do errands, get it all out of the way early, and then work work work, until it is time to go to work again.  And then I remembered the cable guy.  Did I switch around and buckle down to work until I could leave the house?  Ha!.

Which isn’t to say I’ve been doing nothing.  I have answered a bunch of work and personal correspondence.  Including important stuff like sending TMI emails to Rhi to entertain her because she has a hurt neck and needs distracting.

I should, I suppose, revist and reorder the giant to-do list of doom and sort out what goes on it today.  Number one was buy freezer paper and fabric dye, but alas that will have to come later.

My iPod loves me today.  It started out with a little Todd Snider, then a nice round of Bree Sharp, Kathleen Edwards and Amy Rigby, and now it’s been all Drag the River and Jon Snodgrass for like 40 minutes.  I’m pretty sure it can sense when I haven’t listened to the music I love most in a while and puts it out there to remind me.  I want to wallow in DTR all day.  That however, really isn’t productive.  I will have to switch back to the chick rock when I am going to get some work done.

First I will make breakfast.  Then finish my coffee.  Check my RSS feed reader.  And then I’m buckling down.  For reals, yo.

Also you go hit the DTR boys’ MySpace and listen to “Fleeting Porch” since that is what I am listening too right now and I am too lazy to upload it for you.  (Seriously, coming up on like an hour of DTR and JS songs on the old iPod, while on shuffle! I don’t even think they are the band with the most songs on there right now  -*checks* — nope totally beat out by Johnny Cash and Bob Dylan.  I love you, iPod.)

Poem XIV

Every day you play with the light of the universe.
Subtle visitor, you arrive in the flower and the water.
You are more than this white head that I hold tightly
as a cluster of fruit, every day, between my hands.

You are like nobody since I love you.
Let me spread you out among yellow garlands.
Who writes your name in letters of smoke among the stars of the south?
Oh let me remember you as you were before you existed.

Suddenly the wind howls and bangs at my shut window.
The sky is a net crammed with shadowy fish.
Here all the winds let go sooner or later, all of them.
The rain takes off her clothes.

The birds go by, fleeing.
The wind. The wind.
I can contend only against the power of men.
The storm whirls dark leaves
and turns loose all the boats that were moored last night to the sky.

You are here. Oh, you do not run away.
You will answer me to the last cry.
Cling to me as though you were frightened.
Even so, at one time a strange shadow ran through your eyes.

Now, now too, little one, you bring me honeysuckle,
and even your breasts smell of it.
While the sad wind goes slaughtering butterflies
I love you, and my happiness bites the plum of your mouth.

How you must have suffered getting accustomed to me, my savage, solitary soul, my name that sends them all running.
So many times we have seen the morning star burn, kissing our eyes,
and over our heads the gray light unwind in turning fans.

My words rained over you, stroking you.
A long time I have loved the sunned mother-of-pearl of your body.
I go so far as to think that you own the universe.
I will bring you happy flowers from the mountains, bluebells,
dark hazels, and rustic baskets of kisses.

I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees.

- Pablo Neruda
(translated by W.S. Merwin)

It’s all beautiful, as is almost everything Neruda writes, but man, it’s the last line that gets me here:
Quiero hacer contigo lo que la primavera hace con los cerezos.   *swoon*

I am trying very hard to remain cheerfully optimistic today. My biggest stumbling blocks are hormones (nothing like simply being a girl to make one insane) and my ears.  My previous, possibly unrelated, ear problems have cleared up, but my ears still really, really hurt. A doctor’s visit informs me that I have no signs of infection in my ears or my sinuses, but that there is inflammation in my sinuses (and by association my eustachian tubes) and a consequence of this is way too much fluid in my ears.

They gave me a corticosteroid nasal inhaler.  I swear it smells like roses.  Recent conversations with a couple friends seem to indicate that this may not be true, and I may, in fact, be crazy.  But to me it smells like roses. I have taken this as a ‘wake up and smell the roses’ sign, which is very closely related to ’stop and notice the color purple.’

So I will take a deep breath (to the best of my ability while my head is painfully pressurized), try and relax, take things as they come, and remember to put back out into the universe what I want to get out of it.  I will be stronger and more resolute and not the weepy, tragic mess I have been since Sunday.  Neither hormones nor headaches will get the best of me.

Still, I might go take a nap before I have to go to work.

Last night I dreamt a bunch of strange and complicated things. Including something about lumps of ice that when you put them in your mouth and let them melt a little they would tell you stories.  If you got too big of a piece the stories would overlap and become convoluted.  Which is surely a metaphor for my life in general right now.  Too many things overlapping and becoming confused.

That said, and despite some recent tragedies among my friends, I am pretty happy right now.  The delicious springlike weather is helping that a lot.  Now I only need to learn to enjoy the weather and plow through my huge mountain of work.

Before I woke up this morning I had a long, complicated stress dream about work and money and relationships.  However the dream ended with me sitting in a restaurant with someone, and the chef was giving us samples of their new deserts.  One included a little rectangular plate with 3 different quenelles of ice cream: pomegranate, toasted coconut and dulce du leche.  Since I’ve been awake I’ve been obsessed with the idea of dulce du leche and pomegranate ice cream.

In the northern hemisphere today is the mid point between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox.  Which means, basically, we are over the hump. It’s all downhill to spring from here.  Hurrah!

I’ve been awake since 7, trying to get some stuff done, worrying about other stuff. My internet is entirely out (thank goodness for nearby coffee shops with wireless), which means, I guess, that I will get a lot of non online related stuff done today.

Yesterday was insanely gorgeous.  Ladybug and I went and walked around the neighborhood.  We kept crossing paths with these two cute, white-haired ladies.  Like looking into the future.  Heh.