Personal Perestróĭka

I’m home!  I’m should go to bed.  Or tell you about my trip, but I’ll do neither.  Had positional vertigo for last couple days (good times on multiple plane trips), started my period on the flight home, and sat in seat with a small child kicking me in kidneys the whole way across the country.  I wish my mom was here to make me tea and feel sorry for me, but alas, having just flown across the country makes that impossible.  Boo.  Although sleeping in my own bed makes up for a lot.  Also sleeping in my new panda pajamas makes up for a lot too.

My mom can’t seem to answer the phone.  I thought maybe this was a problem with her “new” cell phone (that she’s had since June), but no, she’s doing it with the house phone too.  She picks it up, hits something, says ‘hello,’ looks at the phone and then says, “what just happened that?”  It’s just very amusing to watch.  Repeatedly.  I’m not sure who all she is hanging up on, but it’s still amusing.

This morning we had the following conversation:
CrackerjackMa: The birds aren’t eating the oatmeal I put out for them.
Me: Oatmeal?
C-Ma: I guess no one likes my cooking.  Not even birds.
Me: You cooked it?
C-Ma: Do you want some eggs.
Me: Um…
She proceeds to cook the eggs until they are burned and says—
C-Ma: Ooops, got the pan too hot.
Me: I don’t think the birds want them.

Li’l sis wants me to tell the story of something silly my dad said tonight, but really there’s too much backstory.  Better is Li’l Sis saying, “You know Dad doesn’t say stuff like that when you aren’t here.  Clearly he’s trying to impress you with his intellect.”  Heeee!

Also my sister has some elaborate theory on how she thinks my mom is secretly in the Mafia.

So it’s crazy snowy here.  We shopped around downtown Seattle today.  Wow it was slippery and very crowded.  But fun.  I had goat for dinner.  I couldn’t be more pleased with my day.

Holy crap it’s cold. 9°F  (4°Fwith wind chill)  is just unacceptable.  Yes, I’m sure it’s colder farther norther, but I don’t live farther north.  It just shouldn’t be this cold.  BRRRRR.

I was going to bundle up and brave it to get coffee and bagel next door.  But alas, I don’t have any money.  Because yesterday I was concerned about carrying wads of cash around with me, so I deposited it all int he bank and then…left my card in the cash machine at the bank and didn’t realize it until I was at the grocery store trying to pay.

Brilliant.

Luckily Ladybug was with me to pay for my groceries.  And now I have to run to the bank before I go to the airport, and get wads of cash, so I have money on my trip, since I had to cancel the card and order a new one.

The worst part is I brought this on myself.  I was talking the other night about how I rarely lose my keys, etc.  Yeah, great, make giant sweeping statements and invoke the Lords of Cosmic Jest. Very smart.  *sigh*

I should go wash my hair, get ready for my day, make sure I’m packed, head to the great north west.  BUT DAMN, IT IS COLD.  I’m not even sure I can go around the house with wet hair.  COLD.  Even with the snow and storms and all it’s way warmer than this is Seattle.  Now if only I could get there.

Maybe I’ll just burrow back under the blankets for a little bit.  Just until my fingers aren’t stiff from cold anymore.

Pictures of my nifty new glasses!  I got purple ones and green ones.  Huzzah!

For today, my very favorite holiday rock song ever: Christmas Wrapping – The Waitresses (click to download)

Today in the Northern Hemisphere we round the corner on darkness.  It is the Hibernal solstice when the sun is near its greatest distance from the equatorial plane, standing still as it were.

Today Marduk tamed the monsters of chaos and for one more year we are safe as we move back into the light.

Today we light candles and keep them lit.  Though darkness is already on the run, we must continue to chase it away so spring can come faster.

Today the Oak King is apparently dead, his branches bare and cold.  We thought the Holly King had won, as he remained green,  but long live the Oak King as he returns to rule us into Midsummer!  Go, hang the holly, let it catch bad spirits on it’s tiny horns, protecting us in the months of darkness when the border with the shadowlands is permeable.

Today is the Saturnalia where we eat and dance and decorate the evergreens with red berries.  We will reverse all our roles, switch with our opposites and see the world from the other side, through other eyes.

Today and for the days to come, find joy in each other, celebrate, kiss beneath the mistletoe, feast in the light of candles.  Celebrate the darkness, and the joy we have as  it washes away.  Tonight we breathe and meditate on our lives.  We breathe out the things we want gone, we breathe in our wishes for the coming year.  Tomorrow life begins again.

Look at these pictures that Miss Cabbage found!  They don’t ease my overwhelming melancholy, but they sure are pretty.

I am sure it’s some combination the recent weather, PMS and my own inability to deal with intense personal emotions. But man, today is the kind of day when I could sell everything I own and hitchhike to some place far enough south that it is actually warm.

Given ways and means, I think I would totally be one of those people who had two residences. In places that were somewhat mild in both seasonal extremes. Although actually the southern summer heat doesn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. I’ll certainly take it over this any day.

I wonder if I had a lovely old flat in the Barri Gòtic or Barceloneta how long would it take before even winter there lost it’s appeal to me? Should I just plan on wintering in New Zealand?

So, yes, I feel more crazy than usual today. I’m 99% sure it’s hormonal, but knowing that doesn’t make how I feel any less real. Like sure I can tell myself that this is my one batshit insane day a month, but still I am sitting here feeling like there is a conspiracy against me because no one has yet answered the emails I sent last night. Yep, crazy.

Ladybug tells me I should go to the nice cafe next door, get hot cocoa and spend an hour or so indulging in reading. She’s probably right. I also need a comfort blanky of a movie to watch. Hmmm, I’ve already watched Threesome, A Walk on the Moon and Love, Actually recently. I guess that just leaves Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and, uh, SWAT as my comfort movies. Maybe I’ll go put on pants, do my errands as fast as possible, and come home and wallow in escapist literature.

So far today I have managed to finish approximately half my list of things to do.  Which isn’t so bad, since the day is about half over.  Can I keep up my momentum?  Who knows!  Here’s hoping as Christmas is looming and I have a ton of stuff to do.

Ha!  The Stephen Colbert episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent is on right now.  So funny to see him be all dramatic.

I was reminded by Rhi’s song of the day post that I’ve been meaning to post this forever:  House of Regret – Wild Sweet Orange (click to download).  I love this album (thanks, Rhi!!), and the more I listen to it, the more I hear something else I love.  “Ten Dead Dogs” is an amazing song, but this week, “House of Regret” is winning me over, it is most especially the lines:

And you crawl up those steps and read yourself to sleep
Yeah, you crawl up those steps and sing yourself to peace

It’s raining.  I am certainly not going to complain about too much rain.  Especially after 18+ months of drought here.  But man, GLOOMY.  Also there is some sort of ice storm forecast, which means I may or may not get all my outside errands done.  Or that I should rush out and do them now, in case tomorrow really is full of weather disasters.

I wish I had a lot of candy to eat. Peppermint nougats. Chocolate covered peanuts.  Dark chocolate covered dried cherries. Those tiny ice cream bites covered in chocolate. Nom nom nom nom.  Alas I have, um, hmmmm, let’s see, some pocky left that I should save and, uh, sweet pickled ginger.  Not satisfying.  Though not fattening I guess.

I want to sew crazy covers for things, like heating pads and pillows and, um, anything you could possibly slip-cover. I am clearly becoming an old lady very quickly.

I am super excited about the impending Seattle/Portland visit (nine days away!!) but kind of anxious too.  I know I’ve only bothered to contact two friends to see while I am there, and I do feel a little guilty about that.  Alas I had to make sacrifices and I just can’t fit that much in this time that isn’t family.  And indeed the two people I am trying to make plans with really are family more than anything.  Oh man, and I need to pack.  And finish gift shopping.  And generally freak out for bit before it’s time to go home and visit.

I am really tired.  I could probably go to sleep right now.  Instead I am drinking endless cups of tea, typing and watching incredibly shitty movies. Tired, so tired, and yet I can’t even get it together to go to bed.  Bed would be so nice.  I could have a heating pad on achy bits and more tea, and I could read and snuggle under the giant fluffy blankets. And still here I am, on the couch, with the laptop and shitty TV.  No, I don’t what’s wrong with me, other than that I can’t even do the right thing for myself even when I know what the right thing is.

I do have a lot of projects and things I could be working on.  Except I am too tired.  You know, I just don’t like Sunday nights.  They are the loneliest and when I feel like this I just can’t do enough to distract myself.  I should just go to bed.  Tell me again why I am not there.

I hurt every where. Well maybe not every where, but it feels close to that.  I fucked up my knee on Wednesday.  Since then I’ve been inactive, contorted on the couch and moving very carefully (don’t worry, I have actually cared properly for the knee and it is much better).  But now my neck hurts, my back is stiff and my jaw, presumably from recent tension, is painfully locked up.  On to a judicious application of heat, cold and ibuprofen.  Seriously, like what, you turn 35 and suddenly just start completely fucking falling apart? I am somewhat bitter about this.  I’m not sure what to do, preventively, except exercise, which I can’t do when my knee hurts.  WAH!!!!

Despite all that, last night at work, the Sat bartender, MDNYC (Maître d’NYC, best nickname ever, ha!), as he always does, made us each put in a $1 for lottery tickets.  Last night he let the band put in too, and we won $500 (split 10 ways).  Hurrah! So the whole staff started out the night in pretty good mood (the band just started drinking heavily).

Then I had some cute Texas boys, in town on business, come in for dinner.  I guess I made their night, because clearly  I am the best waitress ever.  Heh.  Anyway they called later and asked the hostess how to spell my name and where they could send me a present.  As far as I can piece together, there should be some sort of fancy wooden sign arriving at the restaurant for me some time soon.  Very strange.

They closed schools here today.  For snow.  There is no snow on the ground.  It did snow early yesterday evening, but (at least around my house) melted pretty much immediately.  Still mass panic everywhere.  And school closures.  It’s insane.  It’s like they know they won’t get snow days so they just make them up.

I feel sloggy this morning.  Which is maybe a word I made up.  Maybe meaningless.  Maybe onomatopoeic.  Or a combination of slothful and soggy, which given that rain seems to have been constant for just about ever, makes sense.

Speaking of onomatopoeia, the Catalan bird sound is piu piu which is so much better than tweet tweet.  I kind I want to go around saying it all day.  Piu piu!

Miss Ten, because she loves me, sent me this link this morning: Bacon Peanut Brittle.  Oh my.

I wish I could show you the gifts I’ve been making for people, but since those people mostly read this, I can’t.  Alas.

by Charles Bukowski

hooray say the roses, today is blamesday
and we are red as blood.

hooray say the roses, today is Wednesday
and we bloom where soldiers fell
and lovers too,
and the snake at the word.

hooray say the roses, darkness comes
all at once, like lights gone out,
the sun leaves dark continents
and rows of stone.

hooray say the roses, cannons and spires,
birds, bees, bombers, today is Friday
the hand holding a medal out the window,
a moth going by, half a mile an hour,
hooray hooray
hooray say the roses
we have empires on our stems,
the sun moves the mouth:
hooray hooray hooray
and that is why you like us.

Today I did a bunch of my holiday shopping.  Had AWESOME tacos from a taco truck.  Went, for the first time, to the big international market, which was pretty ghetto (esp. compared to Uwajimaya), but I now have udon noodles, potstickers, humbow, many asian soup bases, pocky, horchata, and rice crackers (the good kind). After all the good shopping I had drinks and delicious dinner with Ladybug and Citizen Twang.

Today was a very good day.

Now I am watching episodes of Life. On my big, nifty TV.

Also it is Saturday night and I am not at work.

Seriously, I need to remember that life, although rough, cold, and sometimes painful, is also good and wonderful and full of tiny joys and they count the most.

Oh! And Citizen Twang and Ladybug helped me pick out new glasses today.  Pictures as soon as they come back.

Ahahahahaha, for the 60,000th time, XKCD totally gets it right!

First hand rumor from a friend: the Secret Service has contacted Sherman Alexie. Presumably to read at the inauguration, but Alexie himself said maybe it was for the new ’round up all poets’ plan. HAHAHAHA!

Miss Cabbage posted a link to this picture the other day.   I’ve gone back to it maybe 20 times.  It seems so sad and wintery to me.  And yet I could stare at it for hours.  The foreground is lovely, but I keep finding myself looking further into the background, like I will find something new there at each examination.

Indeed, it’s raining.  Again.  I enjoyed it immensely when I was laying in bed, under fluffy blankets, listening to it.  Now I need to walk up and get my car, and be motivated and get work done, and yet, I can’t seem to find that motivation. Of course I blame the rain. Heh.

This photographer did a series of strangers touching each other.  For some reason it’s making me tear up.

Dear Universe,

Well, I guess I do get what I wish for!  Thanks for a great evening!  Despite the myriad of problems at work, I managed to come through like a champ, and make an entire restaurant full of customers think they were having good time, even with the limited menu and longer than usual wait for food.  And then, just when it looked grim at the end, when I was tired and late drinkers seemed like they’d never leave, you came through for me again!  Sending in the cutest boy I know to take me to the all night diner was genius.  I will try and remember in the future that there is balance and I shouldn’t complain.

love,

me

Dear Universe,

Hey, can I catch a break? The self-induced work stress, the financial collapse of the country, the bunnies, you know I can take it in stride. But stop adding stuff. Why would you send the chef, the back-up chef, the prep cook, and two of the servers out deathly ill when we have a Special Event tonight at the restaurant? Yes, I got the pastry chef to come in and hostess and the host to wait tables. But did I also need to be operating on a very limited menu on a sure to be busy night? I can handle a 25 top reservation in restaurant that seats 60. I can deal with a limited menu. I can deal with being short staffed. I can deal with a special event party for the local microbrewery. I’m just not sure I can deal with these all at once. Certainly not on top of everything else. Am I being punished, Universe? Can I do something to get back into your good graces? Is there truly balance so that I will be rewarded at the end of all this? Please send help.

Very stressed,

Crackerjack Heart

FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning December 4
Copyright 2008 by Rob Brezsny
FreeWillAstrology.com

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In the Broadway play “Passing Strange,” the narrator praises the healing power of mysterious songs, saying: “You know when the music goes right over your head, bypasses your mind, and strengthens the part of you that’s most beautiful?” That’s the kind of nourishment I encourage you to seek out in the coming week, Taurus. You need soul-toning experiences that elude your rational understanding — encounters with wise animals, waking dreams, unpredictable love, exotic music, and twilight whispers that blissfully boggle your imagination.

Yes, see, if I had one complaint about my life right now, it would be that it needs more magic. Seriously. I can take hard work and no money, I can take an endless stream of problems that don’t appear to be mine that end up in my lap, I can take the cold grey days, even the loneliness. But sometimes I get this terrible feeling that I’ve forgotten how to be creative, or rather how to exercise my creativity. And sure, more spare time, less stress, less work, etc. would be helpful, but I can’t help but agree that a nice dose of wonder and magic would go a long way to making my life better. Bring it on, universe.

Most of you probably remember this fiasco from last Spring, in which bunnies are ‘rescued’ by being abandoned at my house.

So, we had the little bun-buns for a couple weeks while we tried to find a home for them.  It was frustrating and definitely an exercise in patience for me.  Don’t get me wrong, bunnies are very cute, and I did a lot of research to make sure they were fed properly, etc.  But they are a lot of work and require much much much much more attention than cats do and are less responsive than dogs (in my opinion).  Eventually I found them a home.

Imagine my apoplectic rage when Hols and discovered the same bunnies, once again abandoned on our porch.  Even worse, not only did the woman ‘return’ them after 7 months, but she left them on the porch, in the freezing cold, without food or water in the cage.  I called her out publicly on our local neighborhood listserve when I went, once again, looking for new homes for these guys.  She emailed me then, very defensively saying I didn’t know the circumstances, she didn’t have my contact information, blah blah blah.  Somehow she knew to CC a couple of our mutual friends/acquaintances on her defensive email, but I guess she couldn’t ask them for my contact information.  She also couldn’t knock on the door (we were home when she left the little bunners).  Nor could she leave a note.  So no matter how much she claims she was trying to do the right thing, she did not.  And she knows she didn’t or she wouldn’t have done it such a cowardly manner. Also this all ceased to be my problem SEVEN MONTHS AGO.  ARG!

Luckily for the rabbits, we do still live in this house and we did find them after only an hour or so.  And now I am back to losing half of my work day to bunny care and tracking down leads on finding them home.  So far I have managed to find fostering for one of them, but the other still needs someone to love him, preferably permanently.  So, Nashville folks, anyone know someone who wants a rabbit?

So, um, yes, I am cranktastic, uninteresting and not inclined to currently write much.  Also reading that old post about losing weight has made me even more depressed.  I’d write more, but I have bunny cage to go clean and ton of work to catch up on.  UGH.  Some times I fucking hate being a responsible person, as it never seems to achieve much more than constantly stressing me out.