Personal Perestróĭka

Sometimes I feel like I just temporarily lose my words. I can’t write, can’t blog, can’t evenr eally talk to people about anything important. I try, but it feels forced and bizarre to me. I doubt other people notice, other than I seem quieter than usual. I’m not sure it’s part of my hormonal cycle, or if I’ve been too social, spoken too much and I need to gather everything up before I start again.

Mercury is in Retrograde which seems to be manifesting for me by defeating my projects in tiny ways. Int he last few days I’ve unable to find the thread and other pieces I need to finish projects, I’ve broken needles, discovered I have no replacements. I had my work schedule ramped back up. I feel like I am losing time. Fall is rushing in too quickly and I can’t get everything I want done.

Song for the day: The V-Roys – No Regrets (click to download)

Really?  You could just slap some gauze and actual duct tape on your hand?

If I could be doing anything in the world right now, I’d make banana bread. But I don’t have any bananas.  Or, I think, flour, or most any of the ingredients.  Alas.

I had a fabulous weekend.  Amazing weekend.  Tonight though I feel a little temper-y and out of sorts.  Maybe I just don’t like the idea of the weekend being over.  Or maybe I just really want banana bread and I don’t have any. There’s nothing to do about it but pout pout pout.

Do you think I could train a monkey to do my laundry?  Where would I got a monkey?  Would the cost of feeding it be worth having to not do my own laundry?

Dear little lizard,

I am sure you were as surprised to be found as I was to find you. Thank you for keeping my bathroom bug free for however long you’ve been in there. Trust me though, we are both happier with you now living out in the garden. Sorry about your tail. You’ll be fine though.

Love,

me

AUGH! Live lizards in the bathroom. Seriously I am not as bad a housekeeper as that makes it sound. And his poor little tail kept wriggling after it fell off. If I lived in Spain, or Mexico or some place more tropical I’d be down with keeping lizards in the house, but maybe not in Tennessee. Bleh.

Song for the day: Bryan Hartley – Hey Hey (We All Want To Fall In Love) (click to download)

This is what I did today instead of working:

This was a collared blouse. I always felt like I worked at Denny’s or something when I wore it. The color choice was perhaps unfortunate. I altered the neckline and added lots and lots of ribbon. It clearly needs ironing here, but it definitely looks way cuter.

A skirt from an old pair of jeans. Which looks super cute on, though maybe not so much in this picture.

I also made a muslin pattern for a skirt for Ladybug. Tomorrow I have to work. Arg. But I might try and at least get the brown polkadot dress hemmed up. Since the sewing machine is all set up.

So I was telling my mom about the gas ’shortage’ in Nashberg last night and she said, given the current political climate and the economy that we can expect to see things like this increasing all over the country. She said during the 70s that there was a lot hoarding and similar weirdness in relation to the economy. Meaningless, pointless hoarding or more sinister hoarding (like gas) that made things worse for everyone rather than helping anything. Given the fact that people are much more susceptible to frenzies over incomplete/inaccurate media reports, I’m sure she’s right.

My brain has been muddling over this for hours. Mostly I think who gets fucked here is the people already doing right. Great if you live in a big coastal city and have good public transportation. But what if you live in mid-sized town, buy local and support local businesses? What happens when there really is a gas crisis? Nothing can be trucked in, people freak and suddenly no one can get anything because there isn’t enough local food to sustain the area?

(So I started writing this post, then I got totally distracted by Men in Black on TV. Now I am tired and I don’t care to finish my thoughts.)

Just so I remember not everything is as anger inducing as the fucking Nashville gas crisis here is a walrus dancing to “Smooth Criminal.”

Why don’t I have a dancing walrus? Will you buy me one? If not, will you genetically engineer a cat-sized hippo for me? Because I have been wanting one of those all my life. I will call him Bitey and carry him around with me everywhere. To that end, here is the best hippo video ever made.

I am going to go take my stuffed hippo and go to bed. Maybe I will dream of house hippos and wake up happy.

The gas shortage in Nashville is becoming INSANE.  This picture was taken around the corner from my house at the Citgo that had gas all day (because the owner refused to sell anyone more than $20 at a single sale).  People we freaking the fuck out all over town.   There have been reports of fist fights and general insanity.  The reporting on the whole thing is some of the worst I have ever seen.  Like no one at all, none of the media outlets are explaining what’s going on.  A a couple of the stations are seriously feeding the frenzy.  As far as I can piece together there were multiple news reports on Friday about how Hurricane Ike was going to take out all the refineries and the pipeline and so everyone better get gas because there would be none.  People freaked out.  There was a 400% increase in gas sales Friday causing many stations to run out. Stations started putting up signs saying they were out of gas (most expecting deliveries Monday or Tuesday).  The local news made a huge deal out of the stations being out of gas.  People freaked out more.  I started hearing stories about people driving to 18, EIGHTEEN, gas stations looking for gas.  Hey, asshole, maybe just don’t fucking drive then.  Walk, bike, work from home.  There were thousands of accusations of price gouging filed with the AG’s office and there may or may not be an investigation (strangely everyone has stopped talking about that).  So now there’s no gas, estimations say 85% of the stations in Nashville are completely empty.

Now, as far as I can tell, there was no reason for this at all.  If everyone hadn’t freaked out and started using all their gas to drive around and get more, and had maybe just chilled for the weekend until the deliveries came, the worst that probably would have happened is there might have been a little less gas, maybe prices would have been exorbitant for a few days and then prices would have leveled off.  It is like this is all a self made, self perpetuating crisis.

The song for today is “Kiss Me” by the Joiners (you can dl the whole album for free on their site).

The last couple days put me entirely into the fall mindset, however the weather still says late summer. I feel alternately unhinged and out of sorts, and even, normal and steady. It’s like swinging on an insanity pendulum. I do keep having these flashes, quick moments, when I can see my life from outside and it is the life I want. I mean having enough money to do more than just pay bills would be great. But overall it is clearly moving in the direction I want it too. I feel good about it. And wildly anxious. It’s uneven ’round here right now.

It is 222 days until my birthday.  Last night I dreamt I was with some people who were celebrating the day of my conception.  I think that was in Late August though.  Huh.

Is there some sort imaginary universe I can move to where I get paid to procrastinate? Because I’d be GREAT at that.

Oh P!nk! How I love you!  Seriously, that’s her actual ex-husband there in the video, choking her then hugging her sweetly.

So there’s no gas in Middle Tennessee right now. It’s insanely expensive in East Tennessee and cheap (relatively) in West Tennessee. On the surface this is residuals from Hurricane Ike. According to the press this is because everyone went a filled up before the hurricane hit. As far as I can tell, everyone went and filled up because the press made such a huge deal about how everyone needed to go fill up because oh no there will be no gas. So now there’s no gas. Except maybe there would be gas if the press hadn’t flipped everyone out. Great.

I have enough gas to get to work and back through weekend and get to the bank. I wasn’t planning on going anywhere over the weekend, and I’m really not now. Hopefully by next week they will have it all sussed out. I’ve been trying not to freak out about the economy, but being in a city full of gas stations that literally have no gas is kind of apocalypse scary.

Also I’m just pissed off about the whole thing because I watched it happen. We left Nashville on Sat am and prices were around $3.89. There were INSANE price fluctuations between Nashville and Memphis. In Arkansas it was around $3.89. We drove back Sunday and I took pictures of gas prices the whole way back. It was like $3.89 in West Memphis (Arkansas), $3.99 in Memphis, $4.79 an hour out of Memphis, $4.19/$4.29 a MILE from the $4.79 station. When we got back to Nashville it was $3.99 in our neighborhood, but people have told me that price varies by as much as $0.80 around the city. I saw a ton of complaints about price gouging on Monday and now the AG is saying he’s not sure those complaints are worth investigating? We are on the same pipeline as NY and they aren’t running out of gas… You do the math.

Augh, I should just fucking go to bed, now all I am doing is making myself angry.

ETA – HA! I just angered myself further by reading some of the comments on the article I linked to. People are idiots, but still it appears most of them feel exactly the same about this as I do. Like really, what the fuck is going on?

I meant to post last night that I felt smart, beautiful, safe and able to do anything.  I just wanted to post to remember the moment of that feeling, even if it was fleeting.  Which it was.  This morning I feel anxiety-stricken and utterly unable to prioritize the billion things I think I need to be doing.

It’s nearly noon and already I want a nap.  I think I got a lot of sleep last night.  I don’t know.  I’m sure I went to be early but I am not clear on how early.  I only managed to read 5 pages of my book before I dropped it on my face, hurt my nose and decided t go to sleep.  I have been pretty productive today.  Maybe.  I mean if I look at my to-do list for the week, I’ve barely made a dent in it.  But I did a bunch of things that weren’t on the list.  Which I guess I should add to the list, so I can cross them off.

I was actually cold out when I got up this this morning. And by cold I mean, if I was back home, I’d still wear shorts, and maybe a hoodie, but here I’m all ack! Jeans!  Sweater!  Yikes!  It really is impending autumn outside, however.  I think I am happy about that.  I haven’t actually decided yet.

I don’t feel well.  I’ve been sick on and off since Friday morning. I thought maybe food poisoning (combined with hangover) but now upon reflection, I think it’s actually been a mild, multi-day adventure in vertigo. This sucks, but on the other hand, it is the mildest the vertigo attacks have ever been, so that’s kind of good.

I know, I know.  I keep saying I’m swearing off political blogs.  And talking here is, for the most part, preaching to th choir, and still, well, I just can’t stop myself: This is your nation on white privilege. Yes, these are, IMO, sensible, not really inflammatory arguments.  These are things we should be talking about instead of Palin’s family.  However who would we make these arguments to anyway?  It’s not like the people who need to understand this stuff would ever listen.

Watching Signs first thing in the morning will probably set the tone for my day to be even more weird than usual.

Could I love Matt Damon any more?  It seems almost impossible.

I have a small, sensible, reasonable to-do list for today.  I should get on it.

We made it to Arkansas and back.  I have to say, it really is one of the most depressing states to drive through.  Pretty in and around the mountains, but man, I felt like crying most of the way home.  Hard to explain why, partly the poverty, partly the way American small towns seem so isolated.  The isolation seems so limiting and horrible to me, like we, as a nation, are choosing to turn our backs on influences from the wider world.

I took pictures on the drive home with an actual film camera.  Weird, right? Will post if they actually turn out.

Am totally exhausted, but too much so even get up off the couch and go to bed.  I woke up early, early this morning thinking someone was running a bath in the hotel room–that booming water in small room sound–but it was actually the insane rain from the end of hurricane Ike passing over us.

I don’t know if it was the storm, or the excitement, or being not in my bed, but I had crazy ass dreams too.  Don’t remember enough to relate here, except there were dreams with in dreams and small towns that become huge temples, and visions of cities past that never existed.

Will sleep and maybe make sense tomorrow.

Okay, enough with the awful dreams! Last night again being held hostage. This time by an old boyfriend. Ladybug was there too and we managed to escape when he went out to run an errand. Most of the dream was running down the street terrified, hoping we wouldn’t see him walking up the other way. We managed to make it to the subway station, and he was there. I was wearing a blue raincoat, with the hood up and I ducked my head when we passed him. Ladybug commented that it was amazing how much covering up my tattoos made me invisible. Finally we got to the opposite platform as him just as our train came so he couldn’t follow us though he did see us once we were over there. I am going to hope this was Jungian garbage dumping dream, sending out all the last vestiges of that relationship, because I am so over it (both the relationship and the bad dreams). I assume to hostage stuff was just carry over from the night before. Yuck yuck yuck.

I’ve been sleeping more lately. This, I guess, is good. Though I berate myself for getting up at 9 or 9:30 instead of 7:30 or 8. But really it’s okay. I mean I get home from work usually around 12:30 (or later) I need an hour or so to decompress before bed. Yes, yes, I will keep telling myself that it’s okay to sleep.

Nerdly: www.hasthelhcdestroyedtheearth.com

You need to view and read the source code on this one. And then click through to 3e.org to see the guy who made the page. I don’t why this all amuses me so much but it really really really does.

I don’t know how she does it, but my mom always manages to find the most whack stuff on the internet.

I should be in bed, but before I go I was just reminded that boys are dumb, lead by their dicks and, let me reiterate, dumb. Sharp like a sack of wet mice.  Box o’ rocks dumb. Bag of hammers.

Today got off to a rocking start. I had a long, detailed dream that I was held hostage for many days. I managed to escape my captors long enough to call 911 several times but the cops never came. Eventually I was rescued, but still I woke up sobbing. Yes, indeed, my brain, as I’ve said before, is not always subtle. Bleh.

Shook it off, got overwhelmed by everything I need to do today, started reading political blogs (bad me! bad bad bad!) Went to coffee with Miss Sparkle. Then I sat down to make a plan and here I am telling you about how I am not doing as much work as I could be.  Really, I am only telling you all in an effort to shame myself into working.

Living room: still filled with boxes. It’s like my brain shuts down every time I think I am going to go through them.

Jewelry/crafts: need to finish projects, get stuff online and get stuff ready for sale. Need to clean up craft area so can begin sewing. Status: just fucking shoot me. I swear I’ll get on this tomorrow. In the meantime, examples of some of the news stuff is slowly going up over here. I still can’t figure out how to photograph stuff so it looks as good online as it does in real life.

Websites/media empire development: AAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!!! Need to list an prioritize stuff. Really, really, really need to prioritize. Am getting freakily overwhelmed.

Personal life: non-existent, unless you count watching Gossip Girl with Ladybug.

The living room is filled with crap. It’s the usual, end of the week, should have been cleaned and put away over the weekend crap combined with six large boxes that my mother sent. These boxes contain old yearbooks, favorite children’s books, oh so very many of my grandmother’s photographs, books I’m peculiarly unable to part with, a wide variety of knickknacks and keepsakes, and the box that I am currently staring down. A large box, wrapped carefully in a map of Berlin, both the top and bottom wrapped separately, so it can be opened at will. The question is, do I want to open it? I know what it contains, at least in theory. It is notes, cards and letters sent to me from high school through college. There are, I imagine, love letters, break up letters, meaningful and meaningless notes, personal birthday cards, and throwaway cards barely signed and without real sentiment. Do I want to go through this stuff? Should I shove it in a large envelope and file it away for someone to find after my death? Should I just burn it? Should I carefully sift through it a save out the pieces I may or may not be interested in reflecting in my old age? I’m leaning toward burning all the contents unread and unsifted.

Here is a photo I accidentally took this morning while messing with my camera:

Really the photo is all you need to know about my last few days. Big time excitement, my friends, big bg big excitement.